Life without Depression?

Tonight I browsed through picture albums of a facebook friend. We met six years ago during our senior year of high school (she sat behind me in English), but despite numerous opportunities we have never become closer than acquaintances. I take the fault in this, as it is I with the Avoidant disorder and until recently, to her, I must have fallen off the face of the earth. I joined facebook just two weeks ago, in which I requested her friendship, thus reappearing. I think it was 2008 the last time I had seen/spoken to her. And in 2008 I was squarely immersed in the Avoidant tendencies I am now trying to overcome (by joining facebook, twitter, and starting this blog). On January 11th she turned 24, so I wished her a happy birthday. On January 14th I sent her a message inquiring how she was. Communication lines opened. (p.s. she has replied back)


When we met six years ago I was an unmedicated, undiagnosed Clinical Depressive. When I wasn't morose out of my skull I had a great deal of anxiety and proved to be quite the eccentric. An outlandishly horrid first impression on any level. In my yearbook she wrote, and I paraphrase, "you're weird but still cool." Weird? I assure you I was fucking insane! (I wasn't aware at the time, but the anxiety was a definite precursor to my future Avoidant behavior) To my surprise we came across each others' paths a few times after high school. Most encounters were at college, and I remember one when I unknowingly stopped by her work for a quick burger while I awaited my movie at the cinema to start. College is one thing, considering the campus and that we never once had a class together (yet still crossed paths). But for me to randomly show up at her work? The romantic in me says fate. The skeptic in me says opportunities (which I undeniably failed) But don't misunderstand me, I'm not interested in her in that way. This isn't nostalgia of "what could have been." But I do feel as though we could have been friends. And that's the loss I'm feeling. Jaime (the girl) has never met me; not as I am today. She knew me before I received any help (when I was sinking). I'm afraid the image I have left her may be permanently imprinted in her mind and she will be unable to accept how I have changed and how I have stabilised. I'm also afraid that after these turbulent years the friendship possibilities I encountered and subsequently failed were the only chances I will have.


I guess my self-revelation for tonight is I want to be her friend.


I noticed when I was browsing through her pictures that she smiled in at least 90 % of them. She smiled. When you take into effect the nine years I now have been struggling with Depression; a constant theme is the perception of bleak existence. I can't help but wonder what is life like without Depression? What life is she living which gives her her smile?


Life without Depression? It seems so far away.