Depression does seem to be a fantastic muse. I don't know what it is but....it's like if they are not written, they are not spoken....and they need to be said. They don't exist if they are not inked. They exist of course (inside my head). Maybe this is a form of validation? I don't know, my head is going in circles. What am I trying to say?
I'm yearning for death. The desire isn't as intense as it was last night when I couldn't think of anything else. But it is praying on my mind. Death is something I look forward to because it will be the only time I am at peace. Everything is chaotic beneath still waters. It stops only for emptiness. And when you are empty- everything is meaningless. I am chaotic today. I think beneath my cool exterior I'm a restless spirit at heart. But unlike other such spirits, I am severely limited in my ability to express. I feel as they feel without the freedom they possess. It's a process of strict restriction. Life is strict restriction. I read a few days ago Avoidants have a need to control. We have an obsessive need to remain restrained in social situations (in my case, even one-on-one with immediate family). I think this is why articles say Avoidant Personality Disorder is more severe than Social Phobia. We are anxious (and therefore obsessively restrained) with everyone. Is it the same for social phobics? Picture someone in public who is either standing or sitting so physically still they could double as a corpse. This person never speaks, and their posture uneasily shifts when you or another tries speaking to them. This person is me. Never underestimate the terror of being seen. Invisibility is the only solace life provides- life denies us everything else.
I still can't envision a future. Every aspect of life seems so bleak. I can't imagine anything which resembles quality of life. I have self-assessed obsessively enough to know my heart's most prominent desire is love. I carry the idea in my bones that love will make everything beautiful. Love will make everything meaningful. My natural skeptical personality questions if this is so. But I settle on even if it isn't true, I would still like to find out because in finding out I will have found love- my heart's deepest desire. It astounds me how love isn't the desire of everyone. I struggle to understand their seek of fame, power, career, sport, adventure, ect and place love on the back burner. Astounding, indeed. No, intriguing. Intriguing, indeed.
Don't mind me, I'm a lonely soul.
