As I was out tonight celebrating someone's birthday (I'm not even sure whose it was), I was gripped by a familiar feeling and thought I would sit down on a quiet Monday evening and write about it. Reflect on it. Only the exact moment I confined myself to this chair, anxiety has almost completely taken over. My leg seems unable to stop its fervent shaking, and when it does, the other takes its place. My legs always are the prevalent sign of my anxiety. This and tapping fingers. But this is beside the point.
I'm not sure if I can write this blog.
Earlier as I was enthroned in this mystique, it was clear to me what I wished to say. I was certain I was willing and able to reflect, to analyze, to hypothesize, ect. I knew what to do. Now i feel like creating metaphors and making this an impossible blog to read and comprehend. Why is this do you think?
My mind is this haze of confusion. Stop. Breathe. Think. Clear your mind.
I saw couples; three couples to be exact. Mid to late twenties, all with children. Maybe you could call this a conflict with reality. My own reality as an isolated, socially inept 24 year old was confronted with the reality I wish to be. I saw in these people the life I want to lead. I want love, marriage, family. I want my own family and to be the best damn husband and father I could be. But what strikes me as peculiar is how I wasn't looking on in envy - I was detached.
As much as I saw in them what I desire, subconsciously I have become resigned to defeat. At least for a moment tonight I accepted what I perceive to be my fate: A life & death alone.
It's a lonely feeling. ....(Is this what I am afraid to say?)
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